


The Drowning Man

by Ame (Ulan)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Like every YOI episode wrecks me, M/M, Post-Episode 10, Victor's POV, because episode 10 wrecked me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-08
Updated: 2016-12-08
Packaged: 2018-09-07 07:12:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8788576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ulan/pseuds/Ame
Summary: You don't know what it's like before you came along. I was drowning, but you came to me, and you swam us both to shore.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Every week I am an emotional mess and I can't asdfghjkl!!! So much is happening in my life this month that I shouldn't even be writing fanfiction AT ALL, but EPISODE 10!!! 
> 
> Oh god, legit crying. I effing knew Victor was the one in love.

You don't know what it's like, before you came along.

"Vitya!"

Yakov's voice rang fully and bounced off the four corners of the skating rink. In the past, I might have flinched, but those things - fear, nerves, guilt, or any feeling really - they started coming rarely.

"You fell again, didn't you, at practice today?"

I thought to explain. "Yakov, I was just--"

"You were practicing that quadruple axel again! Even after I already said that I don't want you to land it and that I don't even want anyone to ever land it! It is madness, and even more so this close to the competitions! I told you to stick to the quads you know. You already have four of them down, which is already double what even your closest competition have under their belt."

"I can do it, Yakov."

"At what price? A twisted shoulder, a broken knee that you can never again use? You would even be lucky if you don't bust your head.

"This whole race to the quads and the pressure you are all forced with to make them has truly gone too far. I never liked it when it began to trend in men's singles, and I still do not like it now. I am telling you, Vitya, stop while you are ahead."

* * *

_Stop while you are ahead._

Only, I never learned how to do that.

It was the momentum I set, maybe. Those days, it was beginning to feel a lot like drowning. The water heavy above me, all around me just a sea of dark blue, and even further below my feet was darkness. I was sinking.

I did not know anymore how else to surprise them.

Them, who have seen every twist and turn that I have done, gasped at them and applauded. I revelled at their reactions, at their praises, for they were a wonderful side-effect to me just doing what I loved to do.

But I was young and alone, and eventually one wakes up from it all. Their words, I began to look for them. I began to wait for them, then eventually, when I no longer had the excuse of youth for my imperfections, I began to dread them. They never said anything harsh, and in the end, their words, those headlines, always came out as praises.

_"Young Victor Nikiforov sets the world record for the highest points achieved at this year's World Junior Figure Skating Championship..."_

_"The ice prince does it again! Three-time World Figure Skating Champion Victor Nikiforov was given another standing ovation for his short program, which incidentally set a new world record at--"_

_"The quad flip was finally landed! Ratified at the 2014 Grand Prix Final, gold medalist Victor Nikiforov lands the first quadruple flip done in competition. His program..."_

_"Victor Nikiforov just keeps getting better and better! What surprises will the Russian figure skating prince have in store for us next season?"_

I didn't know anymore why I skated, and the surprises, too, came by more rarely on those days. I dreaded, too, when the good things they say will run out.

_"Rumors have it that Nikiforov would be retiring after this season. We have our experts here joining us to talk about this particular bit of news. What can you tell us about our favorite Russian skater? Is it true that his skating is no longer up to par? Have we actually seen the peak of his career, and seen it pass?"_

It felt a lot like drowning, and my breath was running out.

* * *

"Oh my God." Those days, Chris was one of those few people who still managed to keep my attention for longer than five minutes. "Don't look now, Victor, but it's that newbie, Yuuri Katsuki from Japan." Chris giggled as he pointed at you. "Just look at him. Isn't he adorable?"

That night was the best I have had in years. I never thought you had it in you, at least from what I saw while we were in competition, but apparently champagne truly can work wonders. Chris joined you shortly in your... shenanigans, and so did everyone else. It was catching, and I even found myself bullying our young Yuri Plisetsky into challenging you to a dance-off, which I even ended up joining.

"My family owns a hot springs and I want you to come."

I was blushing to the roots of my hair at the time because... well, because you latched on to me, nearly naked, and moving so suggestively in a way that would even bring someone like Chris to shame.

"If I win here, you will come and be my coach, right? Be my coach, Victor!"

I would not have expected something like it in a million years, not in a night like that night, of all times. You could not have known that that party was my rare respite in an otherwise ever-expanding limbo, and that your words, slurred and nearly unintelligible as they were, had been my first ray of light in a long while.

* * *

I found myself holding on to those words. I didn't really mean to, but I looked up Kyushu and its hot springs before going to bed that night, and my last thought was even that I could not remember the last time I had a vacation. Hot springs sounded nice.

You don't know what you accidentally began. It was a drunken, foolish night for you, to be forgotten, to let pass. But for me, I could not understand what it was. Like a drowning man thrown a lifesaver, I just wanted to be around you again.

Only, I did not see you again after that night.

Well, I should have known. It was drunken revelry for all of us. Still, I could not help but be a little disappointed.

* * *

_Sento una voce che piange lontano  
Anche tu sei stato forse abbandonato_

You could not have known what that program meant to me.

I forgot about you (I am sorry), like I forget so many things during those days. Each day just passed like all the rest, and for months I could not remember what I did the day prior, so seamlessly did the days mix.

Finding you again, you in that video dancing to my music, skating to my program, was a splash of cold water that broke that monotony. The music from the song blared from my mobile phone as though I had those high-end speakers attached to them.

You know, I struggled finding that program. That year, I struggled to find the right music; that year was the latest I ever went not having the music and the routine ready for competition. But that year, I was also no longer inspired.

Then I heard it in passing in Italy, on Valentine's Day of all days. It was playing at a pharmacy on an otherwise uneventful day, and I had just wanted something for a headache that had been bothering me for too long. The song did not register immediately, but when it did, the words, the melody, the insurmountable loneliness and desperation begging for company called to me and enveloped me, and I must have stood there like a fool in the middle of a crowded store.

I pictured a man in darkness, stretching his arms out to the voice in the void - and I knew I found my music. It was as if it was a song written for solely me.

But as I watched your video, your face, your skating - everything in that video jumped out to me. All of a sudden, I was no longer the man stretching out to the shadows. I was the voice you could not see, the one who could envelope you and hold you, just as desperate to reach you.

You don't know what it was like. I cannot adequately tell you either. All I knew then was that we were the only two people in the world who ever danced that dance of loneliness, and I had to go to you.

* * *

"Victor is the first thing I ever wanted to hold on to. I do not know what to call this feeling, so I will just call it love!"

You could not have known at the time -- and in fact, neither did I -- but it was as if I was waiting for those words for such a long time.

* * *

I have always been the one surprising people. I never had anyone make the effort of surprising me.

But you surprised me everyday. From the very first day when I accidentally saw my pictures in your room (I had not laughed so much in ages), to the amazingly short time it took you to lose weight because you said, "I want to skate with Victor!" and even to the simple favors you did for me to make sure my stay with you would be comfortable - it was more than I could have hoped for.

And you kept doing it, too. Winning your competitions. Proving yourself an even more stubborn student than I was. Improving yourself, and looking at me always as you do so. Your independent development of Eros. _That quadruple flip._

For the first time in my life, I felt spoiled. Never have I been given so much when all I ever knew to do was to give and give. And yet you demanded nothing from me, save for one thing:

"Watch me, Victor. Just stay by my side."

And I do. Always, my eyes followed you, and I held on to you so much and so tightly until I just one day found myself not knowing what to do when I am apart from you.

"Please be mine until I retire. Until I retire, please take care of me!"

You think you do these things for me - asking for so little, even setting an end to us, after which I know you plan to give me back my life. By then, I have been with you for months, and I knew it bothered you, how people kept accusing you of monopolizing me.

"I wish you would never retire."

Foolish thing, you do not know. You are my life now, and I will never let you go.

* * *

"Victor Nikiforov is dead," Yurio had said.

No, for the first time he lives. Or perhaps he truly might have died, all those months ago, completely drowned in that cold sea, pulled down into that abyss. I might already be dead and this world I am living now with you is but a dream, my heaven after death. If so, then I never want to wake.

All these thoughts in my head led me to crawling to your bed. Barcelona's chill winter air is all around us, but under your blanket is warmth, and I bury myself in your warm cocoon. I wrap my arms around you and hold you tight. Just a month ago, you would have balked at this; you would have been too shy, too embarrassed, and too scandalized to receive affection from me, especially at so intimate a setting. You have grown exponentially in the time that we spent together, though, and that is what makes me happiest most of all. For all that you have done for me, somehow it seems that I have helped you, too, and now we are closer than ever, with even the gold of our rings you bought for us glinting in the dim evening light.

You used to complain, how I held you so tightly that it actually hurt, but isn't it so that a drowning man would latch on to a rescuer tightly for survival, even to the point of bringing him down with him? I am glad that did not happen with you, but then maybe I somehow knew, that you would not us fall. You are stronger than you know, and you swam us both to shore.

You don't know what you've done. There is no way for me to tell you either, so that you may fully know and understand how fortunate I am to have found you. You don't know how important it is for me, all these things that you give to me and let me do.

You do not know, but I do, and I will always, always be grateful for you.

**Author's Note:**

> In real life, Shoma Uno landed the first quadruple flip just this year, in April 2016. I just thought to acknowledge that, as I gave that honor to Victor here. Victor's signature is the quad flip and most likely, he is the only one to date in the show who can land it in competition, which must also only mean that he was the first to do so. (That's why, I very much look forward to Yuuri finally landing it!)
> 
> The quadruple axel has not been landed yet. I am almost with Yakov here in hoping it is never done, but if it does happen, I would fucking lose my shit. XD


End file.
